A Photographer’s Diary, A Hurt EgoBy
I wanted to write about something personal that happened to me this week. In the hope that if it strikes a chord with you, it might help you to stop making the error I just made.
I have been working very hard on bringing new business into Healing with Photography and setting up courses with new clients. I have gone back to a company that I used to work for, (a good few years ago), helping them in a community project that they are running, to help people recovering from mental illness.
It was a big step to get back in touch with them. And, an even bigger step to go down and do an impromptu demonstration with the group, so they could see if it was something that they felt would benefit them.
As I offered to do a short example with them, I felt a little bit of fear as to what I might put in to it. I’ve always shied away from doing a short presentation of the course, as I’m never convinced that it demonstrates Healing with Photography in the best light, as it’s too short a time. Yet in the moment it felt right.
I had to wait for a few days for the decision, as to whether the group felt this was going to be the thing for them; thankfully, they did and it’s full steam ahead. I was elated that I had achieved this contract, my boyfriend was thrilled for me, and my mum too. The one fly in the ointment, was one person within the family, who still, a week on, hasn’t mentioned one word about it; he just seemed resentful.
And this was when the trouble began with my ego. Although I had people around me who were ecstatic for me, my hurt ego went into overdrive and I let it, without realising what was going on. That was, until I heard myself trying to impress the wrong person; one evening last week, I sat telling my boyfriend of all the new business that I was going to bring into the company, of all the well placed contacts I had, that could help me to take the company to an elite level of clients. (These new customers incidentally are in a market that I’ve yet to know well and understand, and now the ego has landed, they have been put on to a far back burner)
Make no mistake, I was out to impress. I allowed my ego to arrogantly shout and trumpet my new plans to my beautiful boyfriend, where usually I’m cautious about new ideas, just in case things don’t pan out. And the bragging didn’t just stop there either; I continued it on in a conversation with a friend too, a friend who always goes out of her way to tell me how glad she is that I set up this business to help others. Ironically though, I never once bragged to the person who has failed to acknowledge my new clients, as my ego wasn’t 100% sure I could pull it off and didn’t want to lose face later! When I fully realised that my ego had taken over, and I could see a trail of arrogance in my wake, I felt sick to my stomach.
My boyfriend is one of my staunchest supporters, and readily promotes my business to people that I’ve not met. He is someone that I discuss business ideas with, as I can trust his opinion. And I can guarantee that if I’ve come up with a dodgy idea, or I am about to set myself up for a fall, he’ll point it out and stop me, and then help me to re-work it. Yet there I was trying my very best to let my boyfriend, and everyone I spoke to that week know, that I could take the business even higher and do anything I set my mind to.
Thankfully I’ve not let my ego drive me for well over a year or more now, self-belief is one thing, ego is where you have to go around afterwards and apologise to everyone you’ve been high handed with. I’ve had to do that this week, and it’s not at all fun. And all because of that one fly in the ointment.
What I really had to understand, and I’ve done a lot of EFT tapping on it this week, to remove it from my belief system for good is; that it is none of my business what anyone else thinks of me. If someone wishes to be resentful, it’s only their mood that will be affected. If I don’t let it, there’s no need for it spoil my day, or to give my ego an excuse to run rampant.
This last week was a steep and emotional learning curve; though it helped me to see quite clearly, that as long as you stand in your light, and shine your light authentically, removing all trace of ego, life can be so much easier.
Living in the beautiful rural county of Yorkshire it was perhaps natural for Ruth to have an affinity with the countryside and its wildlife. Creativity is Ruth’s driving force finding an outlet in television & radio she worked for many years as producer for BBC & ITV.
However a love of photography and for being surrounded by nature called her to go back to her photography training and bring pleasure and joy to people through her connection with our planet.
Staying in the moment when taking her images allows her to experience the natural magnificence unfolding before her eyes. It is this moment of mediation, of gratitude, that she evocatively conveys through her images.
Company: Ruth Bayley Landscape Photography
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